At first listen, this song sound harmless enough. I mean, even I, enemy of all things cutesy, can look past the cheesy banter that is present throughout the song. But the really horrifying moment comes in the second verse:
Eydie: Those reindeer soon will be here.
Steve: Won't mean a thing to me, dear.
Eydie: When Santa Claus begins his flight-
Steve: I hope he gets a flat tonight.
Now come on! What kind of sick person would wish for that to happen on Christmas Eve?? I don't even like children and I'd never wish that!! You, Steve Lawrence, are a disturbing human being. Someone dressed as Santa must have hit you as a child.
Also, I would like to point out that two lines later they refer to Christmas as their "favorite holiday of the year". Yes. I can see that. I can see how wishing for the dreams of millions of children to be crushed would somehow make a holiday worthwhile for you. Monsters.
And then they go on to use the "word" "mistletoeing". Even the spell check on blogspot.com knows "mistletoeing" is not in the English language, or any language for that matter. Come on, Stedie. (This is the celebrity name I've given them, because it combines both of their names as well as the word "die". Which is actually a word, and what they apparently want to happen to the dreams of children.)
Next line: "You think you're such a smarty". Well this literally came out of nowhere. At no point in the song did Steve claim to be intelligent. Luckily, neither did Eydie because I would have been forced to write a letter explaining why "mistletoeing" is not a word.
This random accusation is followed by, "Come on, let's have a party". Again, random and unsolicited. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he were talking about throwing a fun family Christmas party at which guests might partake in such activites as Pin the Tail on the Reindeer. As it so happens, he is most likely talking about a party in his pants, because his next line is "This is the season to be kind". I'll leave that one to your imagination.
The song ends with both of them singing about how they don't need a reason in order to kiss. Which is a good thing, because for them, watching an orphanage burning to the ground would probably count as a good reason to kiss.
The only thing more disheartening than this song is the comment section under the video on YouTube. One commenter says "This is gonna ramp up the Christmas spirit!". In what way, good sir, in what way? Another contributes: "Christmas was great because of my parents, and this reminds me of those memories!" Really? Did your parents slash the tires of Santa's sleigh too? Yeah, that would make for a memorable Christmas. One YouTuber hit the nail on the head with this one: "They don't make em like this anymore!!" True story. And let's pray they never do.
Look, I'm not saying that Steve and Eydie are really bad people. They're probably perfectly wonderful to be around. All I'm saying is that if they want me to believe that they are nice and caring and fun and all that, they should probably not have made a Christmas song that makes me think otherwise.
